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  • Short Story: The Motel

     StoryLuver updated 4 months, 3 weeks ago 11 Members · 39 Posts
  • StoryLuver

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 1:36 am

    So, my post did not show up but maybe this link will work:

    https://masterpiece.rivapomerantz.com/?post_type=topic&p=19585

    Home

  • Anagrammer

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 1:48 am

    Hmm… no. Suspense is building ;).

  • StoryLuver

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 2:25 am

    Hmmm…  the link works for me. I guess I’ll retry.

  • StoryLuver

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 2:32 am

    Totally feel free to critique  🙂

     

  • StoryLuver

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 2:35 am

  • StoryLuver

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 2:36 am

  • StoryLuver

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 2:36 am

  • StoryLuver

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 2:38 am

    To be continued…

  • Brocha

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 2:50 am

    I’m hooked :-). It’s adorable. And can tires grow mushrooms?

    • StoryLuver

      Member
      June 30, 2020 at 3:06 am

      Could they? Good question.  I wasn’t exactly aiming for accuracy over here…;)

       

  • Anagrammer

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 3:01 am

    I’ll say again it – suspense is building! 🙂 I’m loving this! Lighthearted and fun, with a gloomy side, too 😉

  • Enjoys Writing

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 3:23 am

    I hope you plan on continuing this soon. Too good!

  • Elisheva Halle

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 5:20 am

    Love, love love your writing style…very entertaining! Can’t wait to see what happens next

  • Fiction Fangirl

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 12:31 pm

    StoryLuver, you set something up I’m craving for.  The imagery is crackling.  Mushy soap bar on the windowsill?  A drawer of potato bugs?  Sluggy and his entire mishpacha in the bathtub?  Like the colors and textures you provided!  Color of old mayonnaise.  Smashed up custard cake.  Keep ’em coming!  These little details give a giant picture of the derelict motel.  I love it that you’ve veered off the course of typical frum fiction.  My only critique is that a lot of the commas feel out of place which caused some statements to sound awkward or clumsy.  For example,

    “The hotel!  Yay!”  Eli whooped, as dozen of white puffs went flying, his idea of a proper celebration.

    Maybe consider omitting the comma and splitting the sentence with some more dialogue.  Also, because I loved the part where a popcorn kernel blasted the front windshield, I would love to see a continuance of this small but largely fun detail:

    “The hotel!  Yay!”  Eli whooped.  A bucketful of popcorn hit the windshield.  Shiffy glared at Dovi.

    “His idea of a proper celebration.  Not mine”

    “There’s nothing to celebrate”

    Aaaaaand before I close off with a plea of being zoche to see the rest of this story, fast, do ya mind sharing how you posted your word doc?  Is it an image?  There’s a certain sense of satisfaction reading off a word doc and I miss doing it on this forum.

    • StoryLuver

      Member
      June 30, 2020 at 4:36 pm

      Fiction Fangirl, thanks for the amazing review!

      Typical? You’ll never get that from me (har har). I like escapist, unusual fiction, the more colorful, the better (as long as it’s still relatable, of course). Anyone on board?

      “The hotel!  Yay!”  Eli whooped, as dozen of white puffs went flying, his idea of a proper celebration

      I knew that sentence sounded awkward, but I just couldn’t figure out how to rephrase it. So thanks for the suggestion.

      How I formatted this: initially I tried to import my entire pdf document to the post but that didn’t work, so I converted it to .jpg via an online converter, super fast and easy. It converted each page into a separate jpg file.

      I tried  to put all of the images into the same post, but that did not work (hence the beginning of this post).

      Apparently it only allows 1 picture per post, but now we have a nice looking layout 🙂

  • Sherry

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 12:45 pm

    A fun read. I like it. Thanks StoryLuver!

  • Sury

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 12:49 pm

    Storyluver – I luv your story 🙂

    It’s so vivacious that you just want to keep reading…

  • Fayge Y.

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 1:18 pm

    Your writing is very engaging! I’m all for light touches.

    Waiting anxiously for the plot to sicken thicken.

  • StoryLuver

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 4:39 pm

    Thanks everybody for your comments  🙂

    The remainder is coming soon!

  • Fiction Fangirl

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 6:18 pm

    StoryLuver, can you share the link you use to convert pdfs to jpegs?

    And I must tell you I can’t stop thinking about this story.  You really got me there.  To quote Fayge, I’m also anxiously waiting for the plot to sicken thicken.

    Would love to see you tie your first sentence to something spectacular soon!

  • StoryLuver

    Member
    June 30, 2020 at 6:39 pm

    Here ya go:

    https://pdf2jpg.net

    Tie my first sentence in… I have to hand it to you,  I didn’t think of that. Though I might just change it…

    Full disclosure: I wrote this whole story a year ago,  and now that I’m looking over it again, I’m seeing that a lot could be changed. So… crunchtime! 🙂

    I’m so glad this forum exists to get us all to hunker down and write again…

    That includes you,  Fiction Fangirl, your very comments are gold, which is why I can’t wait to see you post a writing!!

    Just jump in!

  • StoryLuver

    Member
    July 1, 2020 at 12:49 am

    The Motel

    …continued!

  • StoryLuver

    Member
    July 1, 2020 at 12:51 am

  • StoryLuver

    Member
    July 1, 2020 at 12:51 am

  • StoryLuver

    Member
    July 1, 2020 at 12:52 am

  • StoryLuver

    Member
    July 1, 2020 at 12:53 am

  • StoryLuver

    Member
    July 1, 2020 at 12:55 am

     

  • Anagrammer

    Member
    July 1, 2020 at 1:01 am

    Shiffy cracks me up. “There really are…. some very exotic elements about this place. And it’s quaint, too.” She’s talking to her four-year-old, for goodness sakes! StoryLuver, this is insanely good. Could there be a sequel, pleassse? I’m completely taken by these characters 😉

    • StoryLuver

      Member
      July 1, 2020 at 8:00 pm

      A sequel… hmm…  what happens when they decide to visit Eretz Yisroel. And their plane crash-lands. On a remote island. Where a hostile tribe lives… I don’t know, I’m just thinking.

      I know it sounds a little exotic,  but I’ll have you know that this story was a big step away from my typical style, since it involves (pretty much) mundane day-to-day life rather than, let’s say, other planets. Or time-warping or cool technology.

      I decided that if this is going to have to be true-to-life, than I’ll at least try to make it interesting…

       

  • Brocha

    Member
    July 1, 2020 at 6:54 am

    It’s awesome 🙂

  • Sherry

    Member
    July 1, 2020 at 9:59 am

    Absolutely! Love it right till the end!

  • Fayge Y.

    Member
    July 1, 2020 at 1:06 pm

    Thanks! I  needed this ;-D

    That was really wonderful.

    (But a cardboard box of drugs that would be enough to break a fall: How many $zillions is that in street value? Uhm…who could you ask to find out how carefully it would be packed?)

    • StoryLuver

      Member
      July 3, 2020 at 3:10 am

      Amount of research done for this story: zero.

      So, how much would it cost? I have no idea.

      Maybe they included flour in the box to disguise it a little bit. Who knows?

  • Enjoys Writing

    Member
    July 1, 2020 at 11:49 pm

    Great, great story! I really enjoyed it!!

  • C.K.

    Member
    July 2, 2020 at 5:01 pm

    Fun, humorous, rollicking story! So cleverly combining humor and thriller! I  definitely put in a vote for this to be turned into a humor/adventure novel for young teens. We have yet to see anything in this genre in the frum world. . . I’ve enjoyed quiete a few secular, children’s, humor, adventure novels and wistfully thought how nice it would be to see them in the frum world. Most thrillers in the frum world treat themselves very, very seriously and I think that reading should be a fun escape and not just a heart-wrencher, heart-stopper experience. (I’d love to see my kids put down a book with a huge grin on their faces and laugh out loud while they read!!!!) Maybe because this humor/adventure tone is hard to pull of. You’ve got that voice and style to perfection!

  • Fiction Fangirl

    Member
    July 2, 2020 at 7:26 pm

    StoryLuver!!!  You.  Made.  Me.  Laugh.  Eli is a riot; the way you portrayed him describing the ‘soda’ crime to the officer!!!!!!!

    *must pause laughing to breathe*

    I also loved the scene where the druggie friends scramble to run away.  Fantastic portrayal!

    You got talent, girl.  Here’s some stuff I have questions about:

    1. What is the motivation for Dovi being so psyched about staying at a dump?  I would love to see a flashback or comment that would help readers understand that.  Yes, I know he’s male and men tend to like adventure, but maybe a comment or memory about him loving to camp or fish would do the trick?
    2. Maybe it’s only me who felt the imagery tapered off a bit once the action started?  That was one of my favorite parts of the story.  I don’t know if it’s necessary, but the first half of the story was so rich and detailed and I felt the second part could’ve used a bit more of that juice.
    3. Throughout the second piece, you had some characters describe their physical attributes.  In real life, people don’t tell others ‘my eyebrows knitted together and I looked confused’.  I think this happened when you switched the POV to Eli.  Here are some examples in your story I think need some tweaking:
      1. He shrugged, then face adorned with a mischievous grin, swung open the front door
      2. His face shadowed by a sense of urgency.
      3. The four-year-old padded to Sluggy’s house.
      4. The steps were steeper than what the boy was used to.
    4. I think there was one more example but I lost my notes.
    5. There was a time you were writing Shiffy’s POV and referred to Dovi as ‘her husband’.  I think Dovi would’ve suited better.

    I need more of this stuff or something like it!  Please????

    • StoryLuver

      Member
      July 2, 2020 at 9:34 pm

      Thanks for the detailed analysis! The problem with having posted this as images is that I can no longer go back to fix this on Masterpiece 🙁 … but if I do go back and fix the story,  you can be sure I’ll have your post right here with me as a guide.

      1. I did mention, perhaps too briefly, that Dovi had dreams of starting a frum Boy Scouts club. But having a flashback to him camping (or wanting to) is a very good idea.
      2. Yeah, the imagery did taper off… sorry about that. I hope the disappointment didn’t overly traumatize anybody. That happened probably because there was enough drama happening that I thought it could be interesting even without it. Also, there was a word count limit. Anyway, the reason I harped on the imagery in the first place was because it played a very important role in the story.
      3. I thought I had an omniscient POV going there. If I veered off, or did some head-hopping, thanks for pointing that out. I’d have to re-read, very analytically, to fully grasp the gist of your wise advice.
      4. You took notes? I am bowled over with awe at your dedication.
      5. Good suggestion.

      I need some of your stuff, too! You clearly know what you’re talking about when it comes to writing (well, lots more than me at least, okay?) So I’m waiting on tenterhooks to see your stuff.

       

  • riva pomerantz

    Administrator
    July 2, 2020 at 7:43 pm

    StoryLuver, this is just terrific! Wowie kazowies!! What a fun, funny, awesome story–just total delish!! Remind me to tell you about our motel experience, complete with many lovely pet Sluggies, plus the delightful revelation that one of the rooms we reserved turned out to be a “dorm-style” room which meant we’d have a…stranger for a roommate! 🙂 (“Um, Joel, that’s an awfully cheap price for a hotel room! D’you think we need to be nervous….???)

  • riva pomerantz

    Administrator
    July 2, 2020 at 7:43 pm

    StoryLuver, this is just terrific! Wowie kazowies!! What a fun, funny, awesome story–just total delish!! Remind me to tell you about our motel experience, complete with many lovely pet Sluggies, plus the delightful revelation that one of the rooms we reserved turned out to be a “dorm-style” room which meant we’d have a…stranger for a roommate! 🙂 (“Um, Joel, that’s an awfully cheap price for a hotel room! D’you think we need to be nervous….???)

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