MemberJuly 19, 2020 at 8:04 pm
She lay motionless on the cold, gray floor. By now she knew that there was no use fighting her captors. Her fingers ached from clawing at the rough walls and her eyes burned from over shed of tears.
The door banged open and a man in a balaclava entered loudly. His breath smelled heavily of garlic and his body odor left a lot to be desired. She cringed and curled her body tighter together, lips moving feverishly in prayer. He grunted when he saw her rigid body, curled at his feet and kicked her limp form with such force, she was left reeling, her breath coming in spurts.
The man hauled her in an upright position. She knew exactly what they wanted, and she was very unwilling to give in to their demands. Suddenly, the fear that had washed over her before disappeared and a need to fight her captors that had made her and her family’s life so miserable overcame her. Her deep blue eyes staring unblinkingly into his course black ones held a certain amount of strength that the man suddenly felt. She tried hard not to flinch as the man barked, “Where is Netanel?”
“Are you going to remain silent now?” His voice reached a strange high pitch. She drew her breath in and looked away. Sensing her resolve he roared, “Tell me!” his face turned into a dangerous pallor of blue and his hands shot forth toward her. He was obviously unstable. She shrunk back but his uncontrolled hands reached her and started beating her mercilessly.
The door at the other end of the room burst open and three men clad in black ran towards the man and pulled him away from her.
“Are you nuts?” The leader of the three yelled. “We need her alive!”
He motioned for the other two to take the man out and face the woman.
This was the woman’s first encounter with her abductors, and she shivered knowing that it was only the beginning. Yet she would not give up on her fight to protect her husband.
The leader, one of the top brass of the Al-Jenni, terrorist group focused his cool calculated eyes on her and said in a cold, dangerously low voice, “You will not answer? Your stoic behavior will not last too long.” He threw a square piece of paper at her and then stormed out, jangling the lock shut.
Through the shaft of light that escaped through the cracks of the door she saw what was on the note.
She emitted a scream that bounced off the walls and echoed through the silent night.
Mike trained is firearm at the dagger chart. He fired. Bulls eye! He felt and arm on his shoulder and turned around slowly, startled to see his boss standing in front of him. Trying to gauge what mood he was in, he noted the grim features. But then again, Bernie was always grim. Mike never, ever saw even a ghost of a smile on his boss’s face.
“Michael, in my office at eight.” Was all he said, and he disappeared.
To the point. Never and extra word.
Well I guess I will find out later.
MemberJuly 19, 2020 at 10:11 pm
Wow- your writing is superb! I’m hooked- where is chapter one?
MemberJuly 20, 2020 at 3:31 am
Oooh, I can’t wait to find out what happens!!
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Please post the rest of this!</p>
I love suspenseful stories and high-stakes plotlines, and it looks like this is what you have going here. Keep at it.
(I don’t know if you’re looking for critique, but if you are, I noticed some typos like misspellings and misplaced commas. Just my personal pet peeve 😉 )
MemberJuly 20, 2020 at 2:53 pm
Oooooh! action!! 🙂
What’s next? Is this a novel?
MemberJuly 20, 2020 at 4:37 pm
HI everyone thanks for the feedback.
Chapter one is on its way… thanks StoryLuver for the critique, I didn’t really go through the spelling things properly…
MemberJuly 20, 2020 at 5:09 pm
Cheli boarded the plane slowly. She nodded at the stewardess that showed her to her seat and sat down heavily. Flying to New York all alone was not what she particularly anticipated when Abba had told her she was going to be treated. But then again, nothing in her life was particularly normal at the moment. With a mother that was gone without a trace and a brother that had died serving her country, her life could not get worse. Everything was rolling down hill and she could hardly stay straight.
Abba didn’t tell her this, but she knew that this all had to do with his former position at the Mossad, before they all became religious. But all she cared about was that her mother was in danger and she was stuck on a claustrophobic airplane directed to America.
She tried to push the melancholy thoughts away but they just kept coming. Flooding her brain.
Where is Ima? Why did she have to go? Why did Hashem make Yair die when all he was doing was serving his country? Why was sending me off to New York, so far from the action the best solution? What was Abba thinking? She wanted to be with him now. She wanted to be there as the search for her mother intensified. She wanted him to tell her that her mother was not dead and that they will find her. She wanted lots of things, but no one was listening to her. After all she was only sixteen.
She also knew what she didn’t want.
She definitely didn’t want to be on this stuffy airplane that was taking her further and further away from her father. From the only security left in her crazy world. Her father was a former Mossad agent. Why did she have to fly to his sister in America when he knew all the tricks in the book?
Why? Why? Why?
Cheli slumped further down in her seat. Whatever would happen in America, she will not like it there.
Netanel turned around slowly and scanned the crowded airport, looking for anyone that might be tracking him. It looked clear, but one cannot be too careful. He fingered his smooth black gun briefly. It was his constant companion and he was quite attached to it.
When Netanel became more religious, he thought that the people would leave him alone, since he was no more connected to the ‘Big Fish’ in the Mossad. But the recent events left him appalled and very sorry he ever chose such a dangerous line of work when he was younger. His wife was in their hands and he needed his daughter out of harms way in order for him to begin the search. He was attacking a hornet’s nest and it would be dangerous for anyone around him.
With Cheli safely out, Netanel was able to fully concentrate on saving his wife from their evil clutches. God, help her stay strong. He felt so guilty for making this happen to her. If hw would only know who was holding her hostage, he would give himself up in a heartbeat!
When he worked for the Mossad, twelve years ago, he was put in much more dangerous situations than these, yet he always stayed calm and untouched. But when it was his wife on the line… Well that was a total different story. Sari was stong. But still…
In some way though, he felt a small shiver of excitement course through his body that he immediately suppressed guiltily. He didn’t realize how much he missed the service till now. The action and adrenaline that pumped through his body when a new mission was called… He would do everything in his power to get his family back to normal.
He glanced at the rear-view mirror. A white Mercedes was at his tail. Great, now they are going to stalk me? Not on my watch.
He wiped out the gun he held in the glove compartment and fire at the wheels. Barely checkin who it was, he stepped on the gas peddle and fled the scene, all the while contemplating his next step.
MemberJuly 20, 2020 at 5:20 pm
I love this! Action-packed, adrenaline-pumping thriller stories– so up my alley!
There are no boring parts here, it’s all just juicy, interesting stuff. Can’t wait to see what happens next!
MemberJuly 20, 2020 at 5:21 pm
Parts remind me of a story I wrote– maybe I’ll post it, if enough people are interested…
MemberJuly 20, 2020 at 5:27 pm
Just curious, do you have the whole story planned already, or are you making up as you go?
StoryLuver, wanna see!!
MemberJuly 20, 2020 at 6:12 pm
StoryLuver, I would love to see your story!!!
Def. post it!
MemberJuly 20, 2020 at 6:13 pm
I am making it up as I go but I do have a basic plot.
I still don’t know what Title I should use. all the good ones are taken!
MemberJuly 21, 2020 at 1:55 pm
We actually had a discussion here about titles. You can read it here.
Since I started that thread, I did come up with a title for my story. What I found most helpful was to write down any ideas that came to me (throughout the day) no matter how dumb or silly they were.
Also, dig deep into your story. What is it really about? Most stories have the external plot, then an internal theme.
What is the theme of your story? Is it bravery, loyalty, faith, self discovery… (there are millions of options.)
MemberJuly 20, 2020 at 7:43 pm
[quote quote=20185]I am making it up as I go but I do have a basic plot. I still don’t know what Title I should use. all the good ones are taken![/quote]
It might come to you as you’re writing. I tell kids to find the title in the book, or the place that explains the title.
Just keep writing.
I hate to say this, but could you spell out something like, we need her alive and untouched, or something to make clear that she won’t be abused?
MemberJuly 20, 2020 at 11:19 pm
Thanks Fayge Y for the advice. I really appreciate it!
[quote quote=20191]hate to say this, but could you spell out something like, we need her alive and untouched, or something to make clear that she won’t be abused[/quote] I like that I would just need a place to fit that in. Maybe by the meeting coming up…
MemberJuly 21, 2020 at 1:47 pm
Miryumsie, you have unbelievable flair for writing fiction!! So full of drama and action; never a dull moment. Yay, can’t wait to see the next chapter!
MemberJuly 21, 2020 at 2:35 pm
Love it! Intriguing, can’t wait to see what happens next…As for the theme, it sounds like Cheli is def struggling with Emuna…though I don’t blame her. Even action novels need a theme…or perhaps you have a different one in mind…
MemberJuly 21, 2020 at 4:43 pm
[quote quote=20231]As for the theme, it sounds like Cheli is def struggling with Emuna…though I don’t blame her. Even action novels need a theme…or perhaps you have a different one in mind…[/quote]
I didn’t really have that in mind but it’s a great idea and I want to implement it more. thank you Elisheva!
Happi, I didn’t notice your post until now and I will def check out that thread. thanks!
MemberAugust 7, 2020 at 12:03 am
I’m still in suspense… is the next chapter ever coming out?? (:
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