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  • missnistar

    Member
    October 18, 2020 at 4:06 pm

    <p>I toss and turn in bed, aching, longing, yearning. I reposition, brace myself and manage. I ignore, temporarily forgetting, numbing myself to the reality I inhabit. Hope? What is hope? I ask. How can there be hope? Hope has long been extinguished, vanquished by the bucketfulls of ice-water dealt me by life. Dare I hope when I know the pain of freezing rivers dousing warm, vibrant hope? How many times can hope be dashed and still live on?</p>

    <p>No, hope is gone. Forever. I cannot acknowledge the tiny flicker of hope still somewhere within me, for acknowledging it would be to admit there is yet something to be extinguished further. So I squeeze my eyes shut, proclaiming to all that hope is a thing of the past.</p>

    <p>Don’t be fooled by my act, though, and don’t you dare concur with my claim. What I thirst for most is some words, be they even mere platitudes, telling me that hope still has a right to exist. Feed my little flame, oxygenate my little forsaken flicker with words of hope. Give me the courage to caress that spark, to acknowledge its presence.</p>

    <p>I tread the freezing waters, struggling to keep my little glimmer of hope out of reach, fighting for it while I deny its presence. I long for the ability to acknowledge hope without being afraid of its vulnerability…</p>

    <p>It’s tough, this struggle. There are times I cannot confess, even to the echoes that bounce off the inner chambers of my being, that I actually am in touch with hope. I let the waves of fear and despair wash over me, bailing out at the very last opportunity. </p>

    <p>And yet, there are times I see an oasis in the distance. Despite myself, I find the flames of my nonexistent hope fanned. Warmed by its heat, I acknowledge – just to my very own self – that maybe, maybe there’s hope.</p>

    <p>Oh, I know from all the times in the past that I am opening up just a little chink in my armor, a little crack that just may allow the stormy waves access to the deepest depths I don’t usually acknowledge. I am terrified at the prospect of the last little flicker of hope being snuffed out. Forever.</p>

    <p>B’yadcha afkid ruchi… Trembling hands, I unlatch the forbidden chambers. I reach in, crying tears of longing, yearning, aching; tears of pain, loneliness, humiliation. Groping in the dark, I find my flickering hope. Slowly, ever so slowly, I pull her out, fingers clasped tightly around her. I look hope straight in the eye and sob. One by one, I relax my clenched fingers, placing my precious little flicker of hope on the only solid spot around: in Your steady Hands.</p>

    <p>Father, please, I beg, give me the strength… to hope.</p>

  • PassionforWriting

    Member
    October 18, 2020 at 4:29 pm

    Wow, wow…! I love it, missnistar! I gravitate to such pieces because I love the real’ness’ of it and the depth of emotion. And I’m feeling with you. Don’t give up!!! You are worth the fight!!

    • missnistar

      Member
      October 18, 2020 at 4:33 pm

      <p>Thanks a lot! I wrote this a few years ago and never really shared it before. It’s, obviously, intensely personal.</p><p>I’m actually annoyed about this post… I didn’t realize the italics would disappear when I pasted it in! Small detail, but I think it makes a big difference. Wish I could edit it! Hopefully, the new system will soon include the ability to edit posts.</p>

    • PassionforWriting

      Member
      October 18, 2020 at 4:36 pm

      Sure! It’s amazing 🙂 I press ctrl I (i) for italics..

    • missnistar

      Member
      October 18, 2020 at 4:38 pm

      <p>I know – but I just pasted it in from a word document and didn’t realize I’d lose that formating. I didn’t realize I’d have to re-italicize… And now I can’t edit!</p><p>Oh, well…:)</p>

  • Mali

    Member
    October 18, 2020 at 4:47 pm

    Missnistar this is……….a scraped knee and a soothing balm at once. I love your words. There isn’t an extra one!

    • missnistar

      Member
      October 19, 2020 at 1:33 am

      <p>Thanks a lot! Golly, that’s a really cool way to describe it… You’re a wordsmith! 🙂</p>

  • Anagrammer

    Member
    October 18, 2020 at 7:26 pm

    <p>Wow, Missnistar! Your writing is so expressive and evocative. </p><p>“I cannot acknowledge the tiny flicker of hope still somewhere within me, for acknowledging it would be to admit there is yet something to be extinguished further” – profound perspective… </p><p>“I am terrified at the prospect of the last little flicker of hope being snuffed out.” </p><p> these two sentences imply that you both deny and acknowledge your hope… </p><p>I found it interesting how you portrayed hope as female – almost as if hope nurtures you.</p><p>And, Missnistar – I’m with you on the italics. I use italics a whole lot in my writing; it’s one of my most powerful tools, and I’ve had my italics lost on Masterpiece 🙁 Hope that glitch in the system will be fixed soon… but for now, עמו אנכי בצרה.</p>

    • missnistar

      Member
      October 19, 2020 at 1:36 am

      <p>Thanks for the very specific feedback! It feels so good to know that my “baby” is appreciated… And it feels especially good to see how my carefully selected words make an impact!</p><p>Yes – I was trying to portray that dichotomy: the nursing of hope while not allowing myself to admit to it lest it be violated. </p><p>And I LOVE what you pointed out about the femininity of hope. It was totally subconscious on my part, but that makes total sense. Something to ponder…</p>

  • Rochel Solomon

    Member
    October 19, 2020 at 1:35 am

    Same here with the italics. Still doesn’t detract from this breathtaking piece.

    • missnistar

      Member
      October 19, 2020 at 1:37 am

      <p>Thanks, Rochel! :)</p>

  • HappiWriter

    Member
    October 19, 2020 at 2:27 pm

    <p>Wow! This is incredible!!</p><p>Especially this line: “I cannot acknowledge the tiny flicker of hope still somewhere within me, for acknowledging it would be to admit there is yet something to be extinguished further.”</p>

    • missnistar

      Member
      October 19, 2020 at 4:13 pm

      <p>Thank you! This is such a deeply personal piece, one I labored hard to express, and I’m so happy to see the wrenching difficulty of putting it out there is paid back by seeing it appreciated!</p>

  • HappiWriter

    Member
    October 19, 2020 at 5:04 pm

    <p>Yes, please get it published!</p>

    • missnistar

      Member
      October 19, 2020 at 5:18 pm

      <p>Trying! :)</p>

  • Writer123

    Member
    October 20, 2020 at 2:33 am

    Missnistar, this is absolutely incredible!!! And so real! “There are times I cannot confess, even to the echoes that bounce off the inner chambers of my being, that I actually am in touch with hope.” – Many times the parts we deny the most, are actually the ones we believe in the most, but are afraid to admit it. I really enjoyed reading this! Thank you so much for sharing!

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