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  • Centre of the universe

     Pickupapen updated 5 months ago 11 Members · 22 Posts
  • Pickupapen

    Member
    June 21, 2020 at 1:00 pm

    Evening

    in a city bathed in gold

     

    He fumbles, stumbles

    a loose stone

    he will rest

    here at the bus stop

    his seat is the cracked one

    at the end of the row.

     

    He scans the crowd

    takes out a pushka

    shakes once. Clink.

    shakes twice. Clink.

     

    He doesn’t see their faces

    doesn’t look

    but hands, he sees

    the hands rush.

     

    Then away they go

    as buses roar in

    then away

    and are gone.

     

    More people come and go

    more buses

    more hands

    his own feel heavy now

    as he sits

    still.

     

    And who is to say

    if an old puskha

    in an old, wrinkled hand

    in the Old City

    is not the centre of the universe?

     

    He sighs

    rises

    shuffles off into the cool night

    bearing the pickings of the day.

     

     

  • Brocha

    Member
    June 21, 2020 at 1:26 pm

    Ohhhh…. It’s gorgeous.

    • Pickupapen

      Member
      June 21, 2020 at 5:15 pm

      Thanks, Brocha

  • Sherry

    Member
    June 21, 2020 at 1:54 pm

    What an evocative, compelling poem!

    Love it Pickupapen!

    • Pickupapen

      Member
      June 21, 2020 at 5:15 pm

      Thanks, Sherry

  • riva pomerantz

    Administrator
    June 21, 2020 at 2:17 pm

    Pickupapen, this really touched me. I especially loved the second-to-last paragraph:

    And who is to say

    if an old puskha

    in an old, wrinkled hand

    in the Old City

    is not the centre of the universe?

    • Pickupapen

      Member
      June 21, 2020 at 5:16 pm

      Thanks for that, Riva

  • Fayge Y.

    Member
    June 21, 2020 at 4:18 pm

    If there were a like button (and I don’t think there should be but if there were) I’d be liking everything so far, with exclamation points.

  • Pickupapen

    Member
    June 21, 2020 at 5:17 pm

    Ooh, thanks very kind (blush)

  • Sury

    Member
    June 21, 2020 at 6:44 pm

    No words. This poem is simply sensational, Pickupapen.

  • Anagrammer

    Member
    June 21, 2020 at 6:51 pm

    I loved this so much I read it twice; it really touched me. It’s the kind of poem you feel like you’re there when you read it.

  • Elisheva Halle

    Member
    June 21, 2020 at 11:18 pm

    What a meaningful point you make in such a beautiful way!

  • Leahle

    Member
    June 22, 2020 at 5:51 pm

    OH! How I miss that place! I’ve been sent away so rapidly from one Minute to the next… I didn’t even get a Chance to say Good bye 🙁

  • Leahle

    Member
    June 22, 2020 at 5:58 pm

    Maybe a small piece of advice from an unprofessional writer: instead of saying: “shakes twice. Clink.” Maybe say: “twice, clink.Clink.” or “Shakes twice. Clink. Clink.”

     

    It’s just a Suggestion…

  • Chagit

    Member
    June 22, 2020 at 6:48 pm

    Wow! That was awesome!

    Pickupapen, do you live here??? Cuz you need to see this more than once to put it down so well…

    This poem will be with me next time I see a collector…

     

    Thanks for sharing!

  • Pickupapen

    Member
    June 22, 2020 at 11:15 pm

    Thanks for your feedback Leahle. I feel for you that you had to leave (sem?) early. Let’s hope we’ll all be back there very soon!

  • Pickupapen

    Member
    June 22, 2020 at 11:17 pm

    I appreciate your warm words, Chagit. No, unfortunately I don’t live in Eretz Yisroel. But I did for a wonderful eight years – and miss it a lot!

  • Pickupapen

    Member
    June 22, 2020 at 11:22 pm

    Thanks Sury, Anagrammer and Elisheva. This poem is close to my heart. I cried when I wrote it. Does anyone else do that- cry when they write?

  • Brocha

    Member
    June 22, 2020 at 11:32 pm

    Yes! Cry, laugh, scream… whatever it is :-).

    Right this moment I feel betrayed by someone I’d trusted. I hope it comes out in a poem and if it does, I can see myself crying as I write it.

  • Anagrammer

    Member
    June 23, 2020 at 2:05 am

    Cry, yes. All the time. And from the feedback I get, I think the reader gets commensurate to the emotion the writer puts in…

  • Kayla-Oppenheimer

    Member
    June 26, 2020 at 7:22 am

    I can feel the whole atmosphere in the whole way you structured the poem, short lines, a series of  observations, a lot of description, yet the description makes the beggar and the scene become alive.  You leave a space for the reader to ponder about this little/big story of the day, Pickupapen. My favorite  paragraph is the second to last one. I like how you phrase as a question rather than a statement.

  • Pickupapen

    Member
    June 26, 2020 at 9:34 am

    Thank you so much Kayla. Your detailed feedback makes me take a fresh look at how I write and what works well for the reader!

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