A member has asked me to post this for her anonymously. Whoa, this was a very pain-filled, well-crafted, and hard-hitting read…
You’re so busy saving the world that you forgot I exist.
You’re so busy meeting all your commitments that I can’t rely on you.
You’re so busy answering the phone that you didn’t even see my texts.
During the day you’re at meetings, but at night you’re too tired cuz today you only saved the world 10 times.
Where are your priorities??
Have you forgotten what really matters in life?
When was the last time you spoke to me for more than a minute?
Should I continue calling and texting?
Laying out money and getting my hopes up, only to have them dashed again?
How many more tears and anguish should I spend on our failed relationship?
How many more times will you trample over me?
Play with my emotions?
Rip me to shreds?
Why do I even care so much?
Why do I still bother?
Because even through all the pain and pressure, I still love you.
I love you exactly the way you are – because that’s how families work.
I know you love me too, even though you aren’t capable of expressing it in a healthy way.
But still – why all the heartache and tears?
Is it really worth it?
How do you want to be remembered?
Because I only have bad feelings when I think of you.
How can I possibly be mochel you when you continue to hurt me so?
How does one forgive a person like you?
What does it even mean to forgive?
I know it’s not your fault and the illness takes over, but it’s still so hard…
How can I have these thoughts on erev Rosh Hashana?
How can I think such awful things?
Is this even allowed?
Sounds like a very tough thing you’re going through right now. I am sorry. Hashem should give you strength to pull through this and be mochel your father belev sholem!
And btw: Thoughts are not things which you can put in a cookie jar and put away in a drawer. If they are there, they’re there! So don’t beat yourself up about your thoughts!
Wow, that piece is filled with so much pain and agmas nefesh and I genuinely feel for you. I, too, silently cry out to Hashem when I feel so stuck, full of pain, hurt, anger and just need His help. I can definitely relate. I’m currently looking for another mental health professional to have sessions with and I often wonder why the cost of therapy can be so prohibitively expensive. My therapist was noting how unfortunate it is that I have to leave her because of the monetary aspect. So, yeah, I too call out to Hashem – silently and begging Him to help me find a new therapist and other things…
Thank you for the courage to post this piece! I genuinely hope you can come to a place of peace, serenity, healing and acceptance.